Ask AFAF answers your parenting questions.November/December 2007
Have a question? Ask our panel of experts.
Q: Although we frequently tell our four-year-old African-American daughter that she is beautiful, she has been asking everyone whether she is pretty. We talk together about how our family is special because we are different “colors.” What could be causing her focus on beauty?
A: Your daughter may be responding to subtle and not-so-subtle messages from society. She may also have been the target of racist comments that you are unaware of. I suggest you talk directly with her about race and values of beauty in our culture. Look for support from the African-American community.
On a broader level, your daughter is also most likely grappling with issues of adoption and race, trying to understand why she doesn’t look like you, her parents. Children adopted transracially often wish they looked like their parents, expressing a desire to be closer to them rather than a rejection of their own race. You need to acknowledge directly that your family looks different from others at school. This is the time to explain her adoption story, why her African-American birthmother was unable to raise her, and why you, a white couple, chose to adopt her.
In a separate conversation about adoption, you should tell your daughters that dogs are and can be moved, but that children stay with their adoptive families forever.
—Ronny Diamond
Post-Adoption Resource Center, Spence-Chapin, New York City
Q: My seven-year-old daughter, adopted at age three, can’t fall sleep without skin-to-skin contact (stroking her arm or back). We’ve taken numerous steps (a solid bedtime routine, a consultation with a sleep specialist, and more) but unless I’m physically present, she can’t fall asleep. Melatonin helped her for a few weeks but my doctor scolded me for “drugging” her, so we are back to co-sleeping. What should we do?
A: Melatonin is a natural hormone, so there is no “drugging” involved. If a small dose helps your daughter fall asleep, it should be safe to resume it. Given the persistence of these sleep disorders, I’d advise you to consult a therapist experienced in adoption, attachment, and early childhood trauma. Your daughter is clearly very anxious about separating from you, and bedtime is the biggest, scariest separation of all. Good luck!
—Deborah Borchers, M.D.
Eastgate Pediatric Center, Cincinnati
—Sarah Springer, M.D.
International Adoption Health Services of Western Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh
Q: We’ve been reading a Big Brother book to our three-year-old son (adopted at birth) to prepare him for the arrival of a six-week-old sister. Should we take him to visit the baby at her foster parents’ home? What else can we do to prepare him?
A: By reading a Big Brother book, you’ve given your son time to contemplate the idea of a younger sibling. I would not advise taking him to visit his new sister at her foster parents’ home. Doing so might cause him to question where he was during his time between birthmother and adoption, and whether he was safe. It is too much to think about at age three. Because children have such a different perception of time, you only need to bring up his actual sibling very close to the day she arrives. What’s most important is for you to continue to have time alone with him while he adjusts to his sister.
—Joni Mantell
Infertility and Adoption Counseling Center, Pennington, New Jersey
Q: The two-year-old we’ve adopted lived with her birthmother, and had never been around men before. She wants nothing to do with my husband, which hurts him greatly. It has been seven weeks now, and her strong aversion has been hard on everyone in the family. What do you suggest?
A: Seven weeks is a very short time for a child experiencing such a major transition. She is undoubtedly overwhelmed and scared after losing her birthmother. Instead of taking this personally, become detectives. What overwhelms your daughter? What triggers her fear? Do less of that. What makes her respond positively? Do more of that. Relax and give it time. You may also want to consult a professional experienced in loss and trauma to help all of you adjust.
—Deborah Gray
author of Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience After Neglect and Trauma (Perspectives)
Q: Do we have to use a lawyer (and pay attorney fees) to change our child’s name?
A: Go to namechangelaw.com for a packet of forms you can file yourself. Depending on your state’s law, you may have to appear in court and pay a court fee, or advertise the name change in local newspapers, but the total cost should be less than it would if you had to hire an attorney.
—The editors of Adoptive Families Back To Home Page ©2010 Adoptive Families. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. | 
