Personal Journey: They Still Dont Get ItTwo AF readers open up about the painful and rarely talked-about experience of dealing with a relative who never gets on board.
My biological son was my mothers first grandson, and she doted on him from the start. Her doting was fine, until I brought home my other children (a son from Ethiopia and a daughter from Russia), and it became clear that she wouldnt extend the same love and affection to them.
At best, she acts as if my adopted children dont exist. Whenever she cooks something, when she clips an interesting article from a magazine or newspaper, anythingshe refers only to my biological son. "Troy would like this," "Troy should read this," "Troy should do this." I always respond, "Yes, my kids would enjoy that."
My mother recently took her first trip out of the country. Without telling me, she left a note under Troys pillow, telling him how much she was going to miss him. She left nothing for my other two children. I found the note and threw it out. On other occasions, shes acted in a way that I can only describe as appalling and ugly.
Ive tried pointing out politely, and then directly, how unacceptable her behavior is, to no effect. My mother lives nearby, and weve always seen her frequently; as a single mom, I was grateful for her help when it was just me and Troy, but now I think my only option is to distance myself from my own mother. Her obvious favoritism for my biological child is hugely embarrassing to me, and painful to admit, but its a truth I will share if it lets others know that theyre not alone.
Anonymous
Our decision to adopt was met with great enthusiasm by everyone in our familyexcept my mother-in-law. When we showed her the referral picture of our daughter, she barely glanced at it. And when we arrived home with our baby girl, she did not come to meet us at the airport with the rest of our family. Finally, after a lot of pressure from my father-in-law, she came "to see the baby"and refused even to look at her. Subsequent visits were worse, full of dirty looks and disparaging remarks about our child.
After almost two years, we decided that this needed to be resolvedour daughter would soon be old enough to understand family relationships. My husband let his mother know that her behavior would no longer be tolerated. Instead of changing her behavior, she stated that she could never accept our child as her grandchild because she is not a blood relative.
It has been almost a year since she has seen our daughter. This has been heartbreaking for our families. On the bright side, my father-in-law is very much involved in his granddaughters life, and our daughter has many extended family members who adore her.
Anonymous
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Comments
I'm having the same problem with my in-laws. The day my son announced that we were in the process of adopting, we were greeted by silence and then remarks that made my jaw drop. My sister-law's comment was," are you serious?" and my mother-in-law said,"I hear that many adoptive children are sick" I couldn't believe what i was hearing. I was hoping to hear supportive comments and overall, for everyone to be happy for us as we were. Its been 6 months since the announcement. Not once have they asked about we're doing with the process or if we've heard anything from the agency. It makes me feel sad for my family and for my husband who is very excited to adopt a baby boy.
Posted by: Jes at 9:17am Sep 25
My husband and I are having a similar expirence. After we shared with his parents our plans to adopt our first child - my mother in-law began telling me "horror" stories of adopted children who turn on their adoptive parents... after that did not discourage us (because its ridiculous!) she started telling us we needed a child that "looked like us" and asking why we didn't want "one of our own". It's heart breaking to see them excited for my sister in-law's biological child and not ours.
Posted by: Angee at 1:44pm Dec 30
I'm having a similar problem except it is my husbands grown children. We are adopting my daughters 2 1/2 yr. old that has lived with us since he was born and my husband has 4 kids that are grown and 2 of them are fine with it and 2 are so jealous they can't stand it. They have made comments to the effect that we don't pay as much attention to there kids. They live 14 hrs. away and don't understand that we are his "parents" and not his grandparents anymore. The 2 kids that live close to us understand and love him like he is there brother. I just wish they understood that it isn't his fault his real parents aren't in the picture and he deserves a family with a mother and a father that love him and that is why we are doing this.
Posted by: Kristi at 11:57am Jan 5
Wow, I am going threw the same with my in-laws. My husband and I just surround our son with those who do show him love and acceptance. Children can tell if people love them or not, no matter there age. At all cost protect, protect your children from rude, unloving people.Even if the people are related to them.
Posted by: Mae at 8:34am Jun 30
We adopted our son, Joshua, from Guatemala almost 3 years ago. My MIL had a very hard time with it and still is stand-offish with him. We are now in the process of adopting a little boy from Africa and we have not told her yet. She tends to act out emotionally as if we are ruining her life by adopting...we have 3 biological and she accepts them well...but since they are not blood, I fear she will never accept our adopted children. Not to mention the racial differences...which are a huge factor for her...
Posted by: Tina at 11:26am Nov 2
We are having the same problem, with my mother. We have 3 biological kids, and when she heard we were adopting an older child from Colombia, she was not supportive. She made many comments, from "you already have children," "they will probably have problems that will hurt the other kids," to "why would you ever want to do that?" In the past, she has always gotten on board with decisions we have made, but only after the fact. My family, including my mother, are very inclusive in general, but really have no experience with adoption. Thanks for your stories - I hope that my mother will get on board when she meets our child.
Posted by: Josie Malone at 9:14pm Dec 25
Have gone through a similar experience. My husband and I are foster parents and our babies are well received as was our daughter until we decided to adopt. Even our grown children protested and still don't totally accept her and she is 8 years old. We adopted her at 2 1/2 years old. Although the blood relative thing isn't an issue I know other families where it is. You need to ask your mother in law if she married her brother. She will meet you with unknown looks and horror I'm sure. Ask her if she loves him. When she hopefully replies that she does, enlighten her to the fact that he isn't a blood relative! Hopefully that will give her something to think about. Add the fact that she can care for her inlaws, hopefully including you :) and you are not blood either. I relize that there is a lot of hope in my solution and I hope she see's the light. If not, you might get a good chuckle out of it.
Posted by: Kris at 11:13am Feb 17
Thank you all for sharing, I am daling with something similar with my father's wife. She hasnt even met my boy who is 2 and a half. I have a biologicalolder daughter and she was always nice to her. after we adopted we didnt see her anymore, m relationship was never good any way so I did not care although i was sad for my daughter who likes her. they have met a couple of times but since my son is getting older and will understand soon I am in the process of telling my dad it is not possible any longer to continue like this. to have read your stories helps so much!! thank you
Posted by: drv at 12:13pm Sep 25
Infant adoption is looked down upon by many....get used to it!!!
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