The Second Time Around
You’ve decided you’re ready to grow your family. Here’s help with answering the questions you didn’t have to ask the first time you adopted.by Lisa Milbrand
A few months after I officially became a mom, I knew I wanted to ride that roller coaster again—the mountains of paperwork, the lull of the wait, and that breathtaking moment when I finally saw my daughter Katie’s face. It took another year before my husband, Mike, was fully on board. And, at that point, I thought the biggest decisions were behind us.
But, as it turns out, adopting a second child raises all sorts of questions that didn’t arise the first time around. How important is it to adopt a child who has a similar background to your first child? Should your first tag along when you travel to bring home your newest family member?
Like so many other adoptive parents, we spent a lot of time researching, debating, and discussing before we reached the decisions that felt right. If you’re just starting out, here’s some food for thought (and fuel for your debates).
Which path should we take?
At first, this seemed like a no-brainer: We were thrilled with our experience of adopting from China the first time, and had embraced Chinese culture since Katie arrived home. So we signed up for a second go-round from the same country.
The Big-Brother/Big-Sister Shelf
These playful, encouraging books will help your child look forward to "expecting" a sibling through adoption, and grow his (and your) heart during the wait.
I’m a Big Brother/I’m a Big Sister, by Joanna Cole (HarperCollins)
In this his and her series, soon-to-be sibs learn about the baby on the way, and are reassured about their parents’ love for them.
My Mei Mei, by Ed Young (Philomel)
Being a big sister isn’t as wonderful as she imagined, but Antonia grows into the role, as does her love for Rachel, her new baby mei mei.
What the No-Good Baby Is Good For, by Elise Broach (Putnam)
A boy and his mom have a "just us" day after he decides that it’s time for that no-good baby to go away.
Barfburger Baby, I Was Here First, by Paula Danziger (Putnam)
Angry Jonathan wants to go back to being an "only," but sees the positives after he joins the Big Brother Club.
Sisters, by Judith Caseley (Green Willow)
Melissa is excited to meet her new sister, Kika, but is surprised when her parents bring home a girl who’s nearly her age, and who doesn’t speak English.
Waiting for May, by Janet Morgan Stoeke (Dutton)
The adoption process and the long wait, as seen through the eyes of an eager brother-to-be.
But as soon as we handed in our dossier, we began to question our decision—the timelines had increased exponentially, pushing our projected wait into four- and five-year territory. So we began to explore other options, and to rethink the importance of our children coming from the same culture.
Overwhelmingly, parents who adopt a second time want their children to share a heritage and a birth story. But experts say that that may be less important than you think. "Some people believe both children will benefit by having someone else who looks like them in the family, but I think that’s just guesswork," says Joni Mantell, director of the Infertility and Adoption Counseling Center. "Every child is an individual." Children should be wanted for themselves, not for what they bring to a sibling.
Because adoptive families tend to honor their children’s cultures, choosing the same path for a second child would make things easier. "It takes a great deal of energy to honor the holidays and language and racial heritage and traditions of a birth country," says Fran Eisenman, an adoptive mom and clinical social worker, based in Massachusetts. "Parents need to determine whether they have the energy to do justice to more than one culture, and if they will have the funds to visit more than one birth country in the future."
What works best for your family? "We were certain that we wanted to go the same route we took the first time around," says Eisenman. "Our adoption experience had been positive, and we had developed ties to Colombia after spending several months there. We wanted our children to share a heritage and a history, and a country of birth to explore together in the future. Years later, I still believe the common factors are plusses for our girls, but they are by no means necessary. Had an opportunity come our way from another avenue, I’m sure our children would have been fine."
After soul-searching, and exploring other options, Mike and I decided to stay the course with China, but switch to the waiting child program.
How do we prepare our child?
Many experts recommend waiting to share the news of another adoption with little ones, for whom a week can seem like an eternity. "Less is more with kids younger than five," says Joni Mantell. "Six weeks before your travel date would give you plenty of time to talk. With a 10-year-old, I would tell him much earlier."
But Mike and I let our three-year-old in on the news as soon as we’d made our decision—we knew we couldn’t keep a secret that big for that long (especially since she’d been running a spectacular campaign to get a sibling). One day, Katie talked about how she’d like to play with a little sister, so we jumped in: "Well, right now, we are starting to get together the letters and papers we need to ask China for a little sister or brother for you. What do you think?" Needless to say, she was thrilled. (If your child doesn’t give you a similar opportunity to share, take a look at "Paving the Way," below, for ways to broach the subject.)
Now, a year into the wait, we bring up the idea of her little sister or brother regularly. We’ve let her pick out a special "lovey" she can bring along to give her new sibling, and we talk about how things will change in both good (a big-girl car seat for Katie!) and not-as-good (she’ll have to share Mommy and Daddy) ways when her brother or sister comes home. And Katie mentions her sibling often, telling us that she’ll teach her to do big-girl things, and that she’ll entertain the little one. Once we’re closer to a referral, we’ll ramp up the conversations—and add a few big-sister books to our reading library.
It seems many adoptive parents make a similar choice. "By the time we traveled, in November of 2006, Abby was well-prepared for the arrival of her sister, Lilly. We had been talking about her for nearly two years!" says Gail Baity, a mother in Timonium, Maryland. "Lilly was a familiar topic of our daily conversations with Abby, and was always in our family’s nighttime prayers."
Involving your first child in the adoption of another—whether it’s by choosing photos to include with the dossier or birthmother letter, or by selecting a motif for the nursery—can make her feel included in the process. And it can also help her understand her own adoption story better. "In addition to some resentment about welcoming a new sibling, the new adoption may stir up feelings about her own adoption," Mantell suggests. "Listen for that, and be ready to reassure your child that you’re her family forever."
In domestic adoptions, in which a birthmother may change her mind after being matched with your family, you should play it safe when you explain it to your child. If your state law allows you to take the child home before the birthmother signs the papers, "I advise parents to tell their child that they will be babysitting for a few days or weeks, until the baby’s birthmother decides whether she can parent, or whether adoption is a better plan. If adoption is better, your family will be the child’s forever family," says Ronny Diamond, director of the Adoption Counseling Team of Spence-Chapin Services in New York City. "This can be difficult for families, who are eager to welcome the newest family member, but waiting means that, when the wait is over, the family can really celebrate."
As news of your impending arrival begins to hit your social network, prepare your child for the inevitable questions. "The new adoption puts your kid in a slightly educational role," Mantell says. "Help him out by discussing the questions that might come his way, and how to answer them."
How should we share the news with family and friends?
Our families were thrilled about our first adoption, so we were shocked by a few lukewarm responses to our decision to adopt again. Some people worried that, since we got the "perfect" child the first time around, we were tempting fate with a second. Fortunately, the preparation we’d made for the first adoption helped us deal with less positive responses.
"Most adoptive parents have already weathered some unexpected reactions—the family members who suggest that you try more fertility treatments, or the friends who doubt your ability to love an adopted child," says Eisenman. "By the time the second adoption plan comes along, parents should have a repertoire of statements to make to those who are unsupportive. ‘Everyone builds a family in their own way, and this is the way we choose.’ ‘We would never presume to question you about your family choices.’"
Since you’ve shared such news once before, you probably know who would create anxiety for you—the aunt who calls every day for updates, for example—and might choose not to tell them immediately. "Cherry-pick whom you tell, and when," says Mantell.
One big caveat: You should let your child know about your decision to adopt before you tell other family members. Otherwise, you risk having your child hear the news from someone who spills the beans. "I wouldn’t tell the grandmothers of a seven-year-old before you tell the child," Mantell says. "They could just blurt it out."
How should we handle travel?
Yes, it’d be simpler (and a lot cheaper) to leave Katie home when we finally travel for her sister or brother. But we felt that it was important for her to travel back to her homeland and to be there to welcome the newest family member—and we hope that watching Katie embrace us will help our new child to warm up to us a little faster.
But we are taking a bit of advice from Mantell: "If you’re traveling with your child, bring along someone else to help out—a friend, Grandma or Grandpa. You need to be focused on what’s happening." My brother will be tagging along to serve as luggage sherpa, cinematographer, and child wrangler, helping our daughter navigate the buffet lines and taking care of her while we do the paperwork.
There are several factors that affect your decision to travel solo or with the family—your budget, your child’s age and adaptability, the availability of care at home, school obligations, and any concern for your child’s health or safety while traveling abroad.
"We felt that it was important to maintain our six-year-old’s routine," says Stacy Sinibaldi, an adoptive mom in Plaistow, New Hampshire. "And so we decided that he would stay home, with family, and meet his sister on his own turf, without jet lag or having to cope with new surroundings. One of my most precious memories is of our son coming down for breakfast and seeing his sister for the first time, after we’d gotten in at 2 a.m. He smiled the most blissful smile and said, ‘My baby’s here.’"
Lisa Milbrand is a freelance writer and editor. She lives with her husband and daughter in Bloomfield, New Jersey, where all three eagerly await their second child.
Paving the Way
Your child will probably have mixed emotions about a new addition to your family. Help him prepare for the changes, and the new role he’ll be taking on, with these talking tips.
Start early, using age-appropriate language. Give an older child plenty of time to adjust to the idea of "expecting" a sibling. "Some day, we hope to adopt another child to become your little sister, but it won’t happen for awhile." With a younger child, introduce the idea casually about two months before the expected birth or travel date. "Daddy and I have lots of love for you and our family. We have so much love that we’re thinking about growing our family. That way, we can take care of and love a brother or sister as much as we love you. Let’s talk about it." "Mommy and Daddy have special hearts that make so much love that there is always enough to go around."
Assure her of her place in the family. "Having a new brother may change some things at home, but it won’t change the special relationship we have with each other." "When the new baby comes, we’ll still have our mommy-daughter time, because I love being with you."
Involve your child in the process. "Do you want to help Mom and me choose the pictures of our family to send to the new baby’s birthmommy?" "Let’s pick out some new things for your little sister. What colors do you like best for decorating the baby’s room?"
Encourage him to take on the role of big (or little) brother or sister. "Let’s spend today doing our favorite things together, and then we’ll talk about all the fun things we’ll do when you’re a big bro."
Revisit your child’s adoption story. Explain that there is a birthmother who is growing a baby inside her (using whatever language you and your child have grown accustomed to), and say, "The baby should be here in the spring (or after Thanksgiving)." Give your child enough information so that she can prepare for the new baby, but not so much as to overwhelm her. Retell the story of your trip to adopt her, and your first days home.
What’s Right for Us?
For some parents, the decisions that seemed so simple the first time they adopted get more complicated the second time. Ask yourself:
"Do we want to go back through diapers, night feeding, and teething? Or was once enough?" If your answer to the second question is an emphatic yes, consider a toddler or older-child adoption.
"How much time and energy do I have to devote to a second child?" Many parents say that one plus one equals a lot more than two, at least when the kids are young.
"Do I want my children to share a country of origin? To be of the same race?"
"What if our first child’s country of origin is no longer an option (because of cost, parents’ ages or health, or changes in adoption policy)?"
"Can we afford this? How would we feel about spending our child’s college fund on a second adoption process? On providing for a second child?"
"If we adopt a child from a different country or heritage, do we have the energy and commitment to expose our kids to two different cultures? To make sure the whole family participates?"
"Are we willing to let our family dynamic evolve, or are we worried about ‘ruining’ our perfect family of three?"
"How do I prepare my child? If I want to tell her sooner, rather than later, that she’ll be a big sister, can I handle answering ‘When is the baby going to come?’ every day for a year or two?"
"If we’re adopting domestically, how will we talk with our child during the wait, when nothing’s definite?"
"The first time we adopted, we spent a long time in another country/state. Could we make such a trip again, with a child in tow? How would we feel about leaving our child with a relative for so long?"
"How would we feel if our second child’s birthmother wants to be less/more involved than our first child’s? How would we explain the different relationships to our children?"
"If our relationship with the second birth family is as open as with the first, how do we integrate two families into our lives?"
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