What supports can I line up before my child comes home?
The very best way to occupy your time while you wait for your child is to learn everything you can about raising adopted children, and to prepare for any eventuality. If your child is coming from another country, learn about the culture, memorize at least a few phrases in the language, and, if the child is more than a few months old, find someone who can translate. If you are adopting transracially, build a network of caring adults of the same background who can serve as role models for your child, and learn about skin and hair care (yes, it’s different, and it matters). If you have any reason to think your child may have medical or psychological problems, track down local experts to prepare for adoption.
How far should I go in preparing a room?
First, you don’t need to decorate a nursery for your home study; just show your social worker where you plan to put the new child. But many of our families did pass the time by painting and decorating; for those whose adoptions took longer than expected, the empty room became a constant reminder. However, once the child came home (and your child will come home), they were happy to have time to focus on parenting rather than decorating.
In some Jewish communities, parents traditionally don’t bring any baby clothes or equipment into the home before the baby’s birth. If you live anywhere with a sizeable Jewish population, local baby stores will store items you’ve purchased until you alert them to deliver and assemble everything.
When can I buy clothes and toys?
Our families recommend holding off on buying clothes and toys, except for the bare essentials—a couple of everyday outfits and underwear. Once your child comes home, you will be buried in gifts from family and friends.
If you are adopting internationally, bring the child comfortable clothes for the return plane trip—including a few changes that can fit into a carry-on bag, in case of an upset tummy.
Internationally adopted children rarely match American size charts, and height and weight measurements from orphanages are notoriously unreliable; clothes brought from the U.S. can swamp your new child. It’s best to bring pieces whose arms and legs can be easily rolled up—sweat suits with stretchy cuffs, for example. If you are adopting an older child—especially a girl—from another country, be sensitive to cultural concerns about modesty.
Can I have a baby shower?
Most of our families waited until they had, at least, accepted their referral before agreeing to a shower. Many waited until the child came home and turned the event into a combination shower/welcome party. Bear in mind that, for a baby older than five months, or for an older child, a party with lots of strangers can be overwhelming. If you are “cocooning” (keeping your new child close and limiting visitors), you may decide to wait for your party until several months after homecoming.
Many of our families who had private infant adoptions opted not to have showers until the baby was born and the birth mother had relinquished her rights. They didn’t want to “jinx” the relinquishment by celebrating too soon. As a result, we’ve been to lots of baby showers where the baby was the center of attention. Unconventional, perhaps, but enchanting.
When should I interview pediatricians?
Unless you are lucky enough to live near your adoption pediatrician, you’ll want to find a “regular” pediatrician in your neighborhood. This is the doctor who’ll take care of your child after the initial screening by the adoption pediatrician. (In the case of a private infant adoption, he or she may be the first doctor you see.) Most pediatricians offer free interviews to parents who are doctor-shopping. You will want to ask all the questions a bio-parent would—and a few more.
How should I choose a pediatrician?
Ask your insurance company for a list of pediatricians on their plan in your area. Then start calling, and note which doctors seem to have well-run offices. Even with the healthiest child, you’ll be visiting several times a year—you want a practice where phones are answered promptly, where files are well organized, and where referrals to specialists are fast and smart. When you meet the doctor, ask the following questions:
- What hospital do you admit to? Are you on staff/consulting there? (If your child is hospitalized, having a familiar doctor present makes things easier for everyone.)
- Are you affiliated with a teaching hospital? (If your child needs specialists, the best will likely be teaching at a medical school. If your pediatrician is part of their network, specialist referrals will be better informed.)
- What is your philosophy on antibiotics? (More doctors are—sensibly—choosing to withhold antibiotics for common infections. Make sure you agree.)
- What is your philosophy on vaccinations and immunizations? (If you are adopting internationally or from foster care, your child may have non-standard records. You want a doctor who understands the issues and can support you when the child needs records for school.)
- Do you have daily phone-in hours?
- Who covers for you when you’re on vacation?
- What is the average wait for well-child appointments?
- To whom do you refer children who are developmentally delayed?
- What is your policy for a sick child? First come, first served, or must we make an appointment?
- How much experience do you have with adopted children? (A doctor who thinks adoption makes no difference will not be sensitive to gaps in birth-family medical history.)
What can I do about child care?
Use this time to research child care, but, unless you have to return to work right after homecoming, put off making firm arrangements. You don’t know yet how much support your child will need—and you don’t know how you’re going to feel about being a parent.
If I’m adopting a school-age child, when do I notify the school district?
As soon as your home study is accepted, visit your local school administration and explain your plans. Ask what kind of documents they will need to admit your child. Find out what resources they have to support your child: English as a Second Language tutoring? School psychologists familiar with adoption?
Every school district in the U.S. has a special education department. Even if you have no reason to believe your child has any learning disabilities, you should apply to the special education committee for screening as soon as he or she enters the school system. If your child needs support, it will start sooner; if your child is fine, you will have a baseline evaluation, which can be useful for tracking development.
How do I keep from going crazy while I wait?
The only advantage to pregnancy is that you know, more or less, when it will be over. Adoption is unpredictable, and not knowing when your child will come home can be agony. As all of our families can tell you, you will be a parent—and then there will be days when you long for time to yourself, but that’s another story.
