Q: My 14-year-old knows her birth mother, but her birth father never wanted to be a part of her life, and is currently incarcerated. She wrote him a letter several months ago and didn’t get a response, and has been struggling with this. Her older brother has good relationships with both of his birth parents, which I believe makes it harder for her.

A:  It is important to know that you can’t make your daughter’s sadness go away. She needs to work through the grief of having no contact with her birth father. As she does, you can be supportive, letting her know that her feelings are all right, whatever they are. Be there for her, but know that you can’t “fix” this.

If she wants to continue to write, that is up to her, but let her know that he may never reply. He may not have known about the pregnancy, or may never have been interested in a relationship. Just as you can’t tell her how to feel, she can’t tell him. You can assure her that this is not personal; he doesn’t know her, so it is not that he doesn’t want a relationship with her, he just doesn’t want a relationship with any child.

Her brother is lucky to have a relationship with both birth parents. Many children do not have a relationship with either one. So be supportive about her feelings—whether she’s angry, jealous, sad, and so on—but be realistic and remind her gently that life is not fair.