People often assume that the most common problem families face in open adoptions is an intrusive birth parent. In fact, the opposite is true. The concern voiced most frequently by parents is that they don’t hear from the birth mother as often as they would like, or that they have lost contact with her.
Your losing touch with your son’s birth mother is not unusual, nor is it unusual for your son to ask new questions about her. He’s at the age when children really start to understand adoption, so questions are to be expected.
One child I know, Carrie, had photographs of her birth mother, but the families hadn’t been in touch since she was a baby. When she was 10, Carrie began asking her mom about meeting her birth mother. Carrie’s mom attempted to contact her when she realized how important this was to her daughter.
Getting Back in Touch
A letter is probably the best way to reestablish contact. If you don’t know the birth mother’s current address, see if you have contact information for any of her relatives. Perhaps you met her parents at the time of the adoption. Although it’s possible the birth mother has moved, chances are that her parents have not. If that doesn’t work, enlist the help of your adoption agency or professional. My agency frequently gets such a request, and we’ve helped many birth and adoptive families reconnect.
In a letter, list some of your son’s questions and encourage her to write back to you and him. Since you haven’t been in touch since your son was a toddler, he does not have a relationship with her, so I recommend starting slowly. He can write about his interests, and ask about hers. When a six-year-old I know, Jason, wrote to his birth mother, he described his pets and asked if she had any.
You may eventually decide to meet in person, but I recommend building a relationship through letters, e-mails, and/or phone calls before taking that step. You might decide to continue contact through letters and wait to meet when your son is older.
Helping your child understand
Parents may wonder how the birth mother will react to contact after several years without communication. They may even fear that she may not want to have a relationship with your child. If you’re concerned, have your agency or another intermediary make the initial contact for you.
As you wait to hear back, or to find out whether contact is possible, satisfy your son’s curiosity by sharing the concrete information you already have. Since you met your son’s birth mother at the time of the adoption, you probably have stories to tell. Even though he’s probably heard them before, he’ll want to hear them again now. Don’t leave anything out; the smallest details will mean a lot to him. Let him look at any photographs or letters you exchanged during the two years you kept in touch.
If you can’t locate your son’s birth mother, let him know that you will try again later. You can suggest that he write periodic letters (perhaps an annual letter on his birthday), and tell him that you will save the letters and photographs he selects for her. In this way, your son can share his interests as he grows and changes over time.
If you reestablish contact with his birth mother some day, she will treasure this chronicle of his childhood. It will be good for your son to express his thoughts and questions, even if you can’t deliver the letters now.
My experience is that most birth parents welcome renewed contact. You son’s birth mother would probably delight in hearing about his personality, milestones, and interests. Share anecdotes and send pictures. She remembers him as a baby. I’m sure she’ll be pleased to hear about the boy he is today!
