If you’re the parent of a teenage boy, you probably won’t be surprised to learn that the main complaint most moms have about their adolescent sons is that they just don’t talk to them. But as a caring mom of an adopted son, you know that your child needs to talk, maybe now more than ever.
Lorraine Search, an adoptive mother of seven children, including two adolescent boys, knows that it’s vital to be “intentional” about nurturing her relationship with her sons. One of her boys had a rough road before the Searches adopted him at age 9. “Because of his life experiences, one of the most important things I work on with him is connectedness,” she says.
Certainly, many parents relate well to their sons. But often it’s Mom who can break through that wall of silence, enabling a teenage boy to talk about his feelings when he needs to.
Talking Points
As we see what’s happening in the lives of our children, it’s up to us to initiate conversations, to grab those teachable moments. “I talk openly with the boys,” says Search. “They know there’s no subject that’s off-limits. I may not be the best one to talk with them about sex or masturbation, but I want to talk about it anyway. I don’t want to leave those subjects to their peers.”
Experts agree that it helps to talk to boys while they’re engaged in an activity, like playing a board game or shooting hoops.
Your teenage son may confront strong emotions related to his adoption, but it may be difficult for him to talk about them — particularly if he doesn’t know how to start. As his mother, you may be able to help simply by offering understanding.
You can do this by opening the conversation and asking questions that touch the heart. Let him know the importance of talking about his feelings related to his adoption, so they don’t fester inside him.
No matter what the subject of your talk, remember that the purpose of it is not to jump in and solve your son’s problems. The subtle message that intervening sends to a growing boy is that he is neither capable nor competent. Instead, encourage your adopted son to be responsible for his own actions. By doing so, you’ll send him down the road to responsible adulthood.
