Every Sunday evening, at the Gordon house, 10-year-old Kelly began complaining about something. Her pains ranged from stomachaches to sore throats. She said she felt too unwell to go to school the next day. After a few weeks of the same reappearing symptoms, Kelly’s parents recognized that her difficulties were not health problems—Kelly was struggling with her schoolwork, and her anxiety about falling behind brought on physical symptoms.

Children can develop a dislike of school for a number of reasons. A class bully may be taunting your child, or she may feel left out of activities and games. Your preteen may feel that the teacher just doesn’t like her or that no one really understands her. It may be that your child is being singled out as “different” due to her adoptive status.

Or there may be a problem with schoolwork—perhaps, as in Kelly’s case, the work is too hard, and your child struggles with feelings of inadequacy and failure. She may feel that, with each passing day, she is getting farther and farther behind and will never catch up.

They’re Not Faking

For children, the way to avoid such feelings is to avoid the cause—school! Whether the stress is social or academic, children internalize anxiety, and it usually shows up in a physical way. Stress can create headaches or upset stomachs. The symptoms feel very real to children.

Another sign of stress is lack of sleep. Children may lie awake at night trying to figure out how to make it through the next school day. They wake up tired, irritable, distracted, and indecisive about little things—like what to wear or what to take for lunch.

Ease Their Anxiety

Parents can help their children in several ways:

 1. Be a listening post. Sit down with your child and ask him to make two lists. One should name everything he doesn’t like about school. The second list should be everything he enjoys. Even if he lists only gym and recess, that’s a start.

 2. Help empower your child to make changes. Walk through the dislike list with her, asking, “Now, what can you change about this?” Help her brainstorm solutions, but don’t try to solve every problem at once. Have her work on changing one or two at a time.

3. Become your preteen’s advocate. Meet with your child’s teacher to gain her perspective, which can help you get the whole picture. If reading or math is hard for your child, suggest that the school conduct an evaluation for possible learning disabilities.