Most couples adopt with the expectation that their family will be “forever.” For some couples, however, “forever” is not to be. Divorce, remarriage, and untimely deaths occur in all families, but in families formed by adoption, the child may feel the effects especially keenly. Anxiety about separation or fears about permanence may surface and cause distress and confusion, even anger.
Children can become very worried about new stepparents: Will the stepparent love them? Will the remaining parent continue to love them in the “new family”? Are they still needed?
Creating New Stories
A child’s identity is embedded in his adoption story: his parents’ desire and search for a child, the first meeting, the joy of becoming a family. The new adult has no part in this story.
New families can find ways to expand those stories, as shown in the case of Sarah and Maura. Sarah, 11, listened carefully as her new stepmother, Maura, told a neighbor how pleased she was when she learned that Sarah’s father had a daughter.
Maura had looked forward to meeting Sarah and hoped that they would hike and camp together some day. Maura put her arm around Sarah as she talked. She said that meeting Sarah and her dad had been the best thing that ever happened to her. Sarah smiled and hugged Maura back.
Later, Sarah asked Maura what she thought the first time they met. As Maura repeated her wish, Sarah doodled a picture of a trail in the woods. Maura included Sarah in a new story without trying to replace her adoptive mother or her birth parents by preserving the details of the original adoption story.
[Ask AF: Explaining Adoption and Divorce]
New parents can honor traditions involving absent parents, and help to create new ones involving themselves and their children.
Ten-year-old Matt had always celebrated his birthday with his family at a local Chinese restaurant. After his parents divorced, Matt was afraid that his birthday tradition would change. He was relieved when his mother and stepfather, Dave, planned his traditional dinner at his favorite restaurant.
Later that evening, Dave took Matt to his favorite ice cream store for a special birthday dessert. Matt happily agreed when Dave suggested that he take him there every year after his birthday dinner. By adding on to a familiar custom, a new tradition was born.
