Who am I? What am I going to do with my life? Do my beliefs agree with my family’s values? What does the future have in store for me? These are typical questions that run through the minds of most adolescents.

And the adopted teenager may have additional questions: What really led to my adoption? What would have happened if another family had adopted me? How does my ethnicity fit into my life?

The struggles that come with adolescent self-discovery are necessary for strong identity development. At this age, most young people search for the balance between wanting to be close to family and feeling the need to separate. Teens yearn for independence and freedom but fear an inability to succeed.

The work of finding out who you are and how you came to be naturally becomes more complicated with the added factor of adoption. Multiple parents are involved, and your teen may go through periods of self-comparison with each of them. The self-searching is intense. Feelings need to be experienced, understood, and sorted through.

Do I look like my birth mother? What do my adopted father and I have in common? How do my adopted mother and I differ? What was my birth father like at my age?

Normal identity development naturally pushes all adolescents to separate from their families and become individuals. Being adopted may intensify feelings, as your teen works through some basic emotional questions. Anger can alternate with neediness, and you may even see your child regress to an earlier stage of development.

In addition, he may wonder how growing up will impact the relationship he has with you and other family members. “When I go off to college, will I still be considered a member of this family?” “Can I come home for Thanksgiving?”

Show Your Support

• Give your teenager space but always be there for him. This is not the time to abandon him, regardless of how he acts or what he says.

• Be honest about your child’s birth parents and the circumstances of her adoption. Say what you know.

• Find some support for yourself. Since parents often feel rejected by adolescents, talk about your feelings with friends or join a group.

• Embrace your teenager’s ideas and attempts to discover his talents, fears, qualities, and strengths.

• Look for similarities between your teenager and her birth parents, as well as with you and other family members.

• Take your teen’s feelings, worries, and fears seriously — never make fun or belittle them.

• Maintain healthy discipline — your adolescent needs guidance, support, structure, and rules.

• Encourage your child’s attempts to become an individual. If he decides to become a vegetarian, serve more vegetables. If he wants to sing in a band, lend him the garage for practice.