Recently, at an adoption gathering, I noticed a friend standing on the sidelines, observing her six-year-old daughter interacting enthusiastically with the other children.
“Look at Melissa,” my friend said. “The life of the party! I’ve always been shy. We couldn’t be more different.”
The issue of raising a child different from oneself is not unique to adoptive parents. In fact, all parents confront the issue, particularly as their children reach elementary school.
Ages six to eight are years of emerging. Children begin to take on individual personalities, often different from those of their parents.
Carbon Copy Kids
Some parents, both adoptive and non-adoptive, crave replicas of themselves. They impose their own interests on their children. A musical parent requires a son to take piano, even when the son hates the piano. An athletic inclined mother pushes her daughter to play sports, despite the girl’s strong protests. By trying to create mini-versions of themselves, these parents deny children their own identities.
Then there are parents like Melissa’s mother — parents who recognize that their child has individual traits. They accept, even welcome, their child’s unique qualities.
When we notice that our child differs from us, we may initially feel sadness and loss. Our child is no longer “ours;” she is separate and autonomous, with a distinct personality. We have lost the interdependence that can be comfortable to both parent and child in the early years.
Letting Go
If our child fails to mirror traits of ours that we particularly value, we are disappointed. Peter, a great risk taker, was distressed when his son emerged as a cautious child. But over time, Peter learned to appreciate his son’s vigilance, which served him well, both in school and with friends.
As my friend and I drank fruit punch in the corner, we watched her daughter. Noting their differences, my friend knew where she, as a parent, stopped and where her child began — allowing her daughter to blossom into her own person.
Just then, Melissa tore herself away from her friends and ran over to hug her mother. The two squeezed tight for a moment, then the little one scampered away.
My friend smiled. The parent-child bond remains strong, and it is flexible enough to encompass two people — different, yet deeply connected.
