“Our daughter was underweight when she came home and very picky. Two years later, mealtimes are still constant battles to get her to eat enough and to try new foods.”
Children who have spent time in institutional or foster care settings seem to have a higher risk of selective, or picky, eating; perhaps they were fed a limited diet or fed in ways that were not developmentally appropriate, like late introduction to solid foods. Some research estimates that up to 80 percent of children with special needs, including sensory challenges, have feeding struggles. In addition, if a child is underweight or malnourished, adoptive parents are often told, “Do whatever you have to to get food into your child!”
The worry, lack of support, and poor advice means many families find themselves in a counterproductive dynamic around food. To get calories in, parents may serve only foods they know their child will eat (limiting opportunities to learn to like new foods), or may pressure, coax, or force their child to eat—but the more parents push with eating, the more children may push back. This cycle can feel all-consuming. Many parents have described it as a “dark pit,” or circling a “black hole.”
Breaking the Cycle
There is a way to break out of that cycle of worry, pressure, and resistance. These are complex issues, but the good news is, you don’t have to work so hard. You can support your child’s eating and make the family table a place where you and your children actually want to be!
Trust comes first: Children branch out from their safe foods when they feel comfortable and secure, trusting that they won’t be pushed or forced to eat. One mom said, “I’m taking care of my daughter’s heart needs first.” Rather than epic fights over a few bites of vegetables, they focused on making meals enjoyable (linked with better nutrition in adults). As they nurtured their daughter with regular meals, including some of her accepted foods, she slowly branched out.
Follow Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility: Increasingly, research supports “responsive” feeding for healthy growth and nutrition. The Division of Responsibility is the way to do this and says: parents decide what, when, and where children eat, children decide how much to eat from what is provided.
Serve meals “family style”: This is the number-one tip parents say decreases power struggles. For spaghetti dinner “family-style,” for example, put these bowls within reach in the middle of the table: plain spaghetti, sauce, grated cheese, broccoli, applesauce, and some bread. Your child might start by serving herself her safe foods—two pieces of bread and applesauce, not touching on her plate. As she begins to trust that there’s no pressure, she may slide a piece of broccoli onto her plate, or dip her bread in the sauce. With pleasant family meals, she sees you enjoy (over and over) the foods she’s expected to learn to eat. She’s a participant, not the focus, of the meal.
You don’t have to be a short-order cook:To children who have been through major life changes, like multiple foster home moves or adoption, conflict can feel safe and familiar. Refusing foods or asking for specific foods are easy ways for children to seek control, especially if they know you worry about their eating. But jumping up to make buttered noodles when he asks for them doesn’t help his eating or his sense of security.
True security comes with reliably meeting your child’s needs over time. When you prepare meals and snacks and eat with him, you nurture him with food and predictable routine. Deborah Grey in Attaching in Adoption calls this “High structure, high nurture.” The Division of Responsibility is that balance of structure, nurturing, and allowing the child control over what goes into his body. Parents decide what to serve, and as long as meals and snacks include at least one food from his accepted list, it’s not, “He will eat it or go hungry.” Try saying, “We’ll have buttered noodles tomorrow, this is dinner tonight.”
Remove pressure: Pressuring almost always backfires. Aside from the obvious yelling, threatening, or begging, other tactics can feel pressuring to a child, including: bribing with dessert, using stickers or reward charts, saying “just try it,” pre-plating, the “one-bite” or “this-before-that” rule. Generally, your child’s response will let you know if he feels pressured. Does he resist, get quiet, cry, argue, or gag? Then it’s probably not helping.
Even praise can feel like pressure. In the above example, if Mom notices her daughter dipping her bread, and says, “You’re trying the spaghetti sauce, I’m so proud of you,” her daughter might stop eating, or think, “Mom really cares that I’m eating the sauce. I won’t do that again,” or, “Will she still be proud of me if I don’t feel brave tomorrow?”
Praise, bribes and rewards teach children to eat to please us, or offer them opportunities to resist. Ideally children learn to eat based on hunger and fullness cues from their own bodies, even if they have never had the chance to do so until now.
As one mother of a selective teen discovered when she stopped pressuring and started serving family-style meals, “Dinner has become pleasant, relaxed and not stressful. [My daughter] feels respected at mealtimes rather than hassled.” Fairly soon, her daughter was eating some larger meals, and branching out with new flavors of familiar foods. Trust, respect and a pleasant mealtime atmosphere are the first steps on the road to better eating.
*This article is general information, not meant to replace careful evaluation and treatment.
