Six months after she came home to us, our daughter stopped speaking. As I searched for clues as to her sudden silence, I became profoundly grateful to her Chinese foster father, a man I had never met, for teaching me a valuable lesson about selfless love.
“Finding My Inner Mom”
For years, I felt ambivalence about becoming a parent, and worry that I wouldn’t be a “perfect” mother. In an open letter to my daughter, I look back on that moment of calm and utter clarity when we met.
Ask AF: What to Do the First Time a Foster Child Comes to Stay with Us?
“We are preparing for our first overnight visit with sisters we hope to adopt from foster care, and are nervous. What are we supposed to do for 24 hours with two children who are essentially strangers?”
Ask AF: How to Discourage Indiscriminate Affection
A mother who adopted from foster care seeks advice about discouraging her children from charming or hugging strangers— and how to respond to the adults who think the child is just ‘being sweet.’
Ask AF: Reconciling Different Personalities in Adoption
A mother finds herself exhausted trying to keep up with the boisterous, outgoing older child she’s adopting, and also worries that the girl might start feeling “different” from the rest of the family (who are all naturally more reserved and quiet). An expert offers advice.
“Motherhood, Cleaved.”
My love for my youngest child, who was born to me, takes a different timbre from my love for my twins through adoption. Accepting this helps me understand the inimitable bond they share with their birth mother, and the ache she must feel.
Parents Share: “My Best Bonding Advice”
Adoptive moms and dads share their best advice for bonding with a newly adopted child, from taking time off to never leaving a child to cry it out at night.
Lessons I’ve Learned from My Children
Over decades as a foster and adoptive parent and an adoption social worker, I have mothered and supported hundreds of children. Each one has taught me more than I passed along to them. Here is just some of that wisdom.
Ask AF: When a Child Questions Adoption vs. Biology
“Recently, my 12-year-old has been questioning whether an adoptive mother can really love her children as she would biological children. She’ll say things like, ‘You think you love us, but you would love a child you gave birth to more. How should I talk with her about this?”
“Awake at Last”
Sometimes love comes easy. Other times, it must be earned. This is the story of how I let go of my preconceived ideas about bonding and motherhood and became brave enough to trust my heart.
“What If?”
What if I don’t love this child the same as I love the others? This question is probably every pre-adoptive parent’s most secret worry. Here are the words that reassured me.
Ask AF: How to Encourage a New-Sibling Bond?
“We adopted our 10-year-old daughter as an infant, and adopted her seven- and eight-year-old biological sisters last month. How can we help all three girls bond with each other?”
Parent-to-Parent: My Favorite Adoption Memory
Adoptive parents and adoptees share their favorite adoption memories from the past year, including first Mother’s Days, finalizing adoptions, and gaining access to open records.
Ask AF: Handling a Difficult Adjustment After Older Child Adoption
A single mother who’s adopting a boy from foster care seeks advice on a challenging older child adoption adjustment. Parents who have adopted older children respond.
Ask AF: Would Calling Day Care Workers “Auntie” Confuse an Adopted Child?
A parent solicits opinions about a day care that encourages the children to call the employees “Auntie” and the other children “brothers and sisters.”
“Adoption Is Not Second Best”
Near-strangers feel compelled to tell me about friends who got pregnant after adopting and say, “There’s still hope….” But I don’t hope for a biological child; I hope for a healthy relationship with my two kids.
“My Child, Myself”
What do we teach our children, and what are the born knowing?
“Bonding with My Teen in the Baby Department”
My daughter came to me at nine years old, so neither of us knows what she looked like as a baby, but walking these aisles is a way for us to recreate what we both lost.
Bonding with Baby
“We found that using massage techniques helped our child relax and eased the transition from an orphanage setting to that of a loving family.”
“The Dog Who Came to Stay”
“Moments after bringing our new puppy home, I understood that raising this dog would begin to create a history for our new daughter, would lodge her firmly within our family. A family pet conjures notions of family ties, of belonging.”