Q: We adopted an infant and a toddler from foster care last year. They were taken by CPS for abuse, neglect, and criminal activities in the home, but they aren’t old enough to remember any of that. Do I need to tell them? How?

A: Even though your children are young, they do have implicit memories, which need to be validated to help them make sense of their lives. Otherwise, feelings that started with their first family, such as “I do not trust big people,” can inform their behavior in your family.

The best way to explain is to make a lifebook, a storybook that tells them their stories in simple language. It should, of course, explain their specific circumstances, but could start something like this:

“You were born on ____ at ____ and went home with your birth parent(s). You were a wonderful baby, but your birth parents were not taking good care of you. Babies need eight bottles every day and sometimes you only got five. They wouldn’t listen to people who tried to help them. Some bad things were going on and you were hurt sometimes. It wasn’t your fault.

“Soon, social workers learned about this and moved you to our house. A judge told the birth parents what to do, but they didn’t change. So, the judge decided you will live with us until you are all grown up. This is called adoption. We will be your parents your whole life. When you have children of your own, we will be their grandparents.”

You might also frame the adoption decree and/or pictures from that day and display them, so the children will know that adoption is not a secret. Adoption is a lifelong experience, and there is not a magical moment when, if you say something “exactly right,” all will be well. Your kids need to know their story, and now is a good time to start.