While shopping at a grocery store, Lynn and her three-year-old son, James, were approached by a stranger. The woman looked at James and asked, “Is he adopted? Do you have any children of your own?”

Lynn was accustomed to receiving attention when she and James were in public. Their contrasting appearances often drew looks and comments. She usually gauged the questioner’s sincerity before replying. If someone seemed genuinely interested, she would answer questions patiently, and tell the story of James’s adoption in an upbeat tone that reflected how special their relationship was.

On this occasion, Lynn noticed that James fidgeted as the woman examined his features. “If you’re interested in adoption, I could give you the number of our agency,” she said. “But I really can’t talk now.” The woman shrugged and walked away.

In the car, Lynn asked her son, “What do you want Mommy to do when people ask about us?” James replied, “I don’t like when people look at me, and I don’t want you to talk about me. They’re not in our family.”

Growing Awareness

As our children age, they become more aware of the conversations that take place around them — and about them — and they begin to react to what is said. Although curiosity is human nature, and not often meant to be intrusive or hurtful, questions about your child’s history or birth family may ask for more than you’re willing to share.

The child who looks nothing like his parents may feel self-conscious when questions arise. Parents who have always been public ambassadors for adoption should rethink their responses and assess their child’s comfort level by asking key questions:

• How do you feel when people ask questions about our family?
• Would you like to answer people’s questions, or do you want me to talk?
• What would you like me to say if someone asks where you are from?
• What should we say if someone asks if you were adopted?

Let your child’s wishes guide your response. Remember that poorly phrased questions, such as “What did he cost?” or “Why did his real mother give him away?” — even if well-intentioned — should be deflected. You might say, “The details of our family’s story are private,” or discuss the economic and practical reasons why children need parents, without divulging personal details.

Continue to talk with your child about what information is private, and allow him to share the information he chooses to share when he is older.