Alice, a 23-year-old adoptee, was 14 when her parents divorced, leaving her emotionally devastated. “At the time, I remember thinking, ‘Why do people keep leaving me?'” Alice recalls. “It was the saddest time of my life. As I watched my dad move out, I felt utterly alone.”
Each year, about one million children in the United States experience the pain of their parents’ divorce. While attitudes have changed in the past 30 years, making divorce more common and socially acceptable, the losses inherent in this life-changing event are still profound for everyone.
Dealing with Feelings
When divorce occurs in an adoptive family, teens may feel especially vulnerable. During adolescence, many adoptees begin to ask harder questions about their birth families, and why they were relinquished; and they may feel sad or angry about their adoption. They may feel as though they had been rejected by their birth parents, that the adoption was somehow their fault, or that they had no control over the decisions made by the adults in their lives. When adoptive parents divorce, many of these feelings are rekindled: A teen may feel rejected by the parent who “leaves” her, at fault for her parents’ split, or angry that she has no control over her family situation. She may also feel a keen sense of loss over the fracture in her adoptive family.
Some adoptees begin to think about what their lives might have been like had they remained with their first families. They may say (however irrationally), “I wish I’d stayed with my birth parents. They wouldn’t have gotten divorced.” Others may feel, now more than ever, a desire to search for their birth families.
During a divorce, parents, too, grapple with loss and guilt. They may feel as though they’ve let down their children, their children’s birth parents, and everyone involved in the adoption process. And as they go through their own grief, parents may have feelings of denial, sadness, anger, confusion, and anxiety.
Ultimately, adopted teens and their parents must work through their feelings to come to a place of acceptance. It often takes time, but, with proper support, adoptees and their families can and will recover from the pain of a divorce.
