During a lesson on Latin America, the kids started asking my daughter to speak Spanish — but they know she was adopted from Guatemala. Why didn’t the teacher intervene?
In their excitement about learning something new, your daughter’s classmates overlooked what they already knew about your daughter. Because she is physically similar to the people they’re studying, the kids endowed her with the same cultural background — even though they know she speaks English, as they do. In some instances, for immigrant families, say, this could be an opportunity to share their culture and history with others.
But for adoptees, the unwelcome attention can be confusing and embarrassing. Your daughter may have felt inadequate because she does not speak her birth language or does not know more about her birth culture — two of the unrealistic expectations, or “shoulds,” that many adoptees feel burdened with.
On the surface, a scenario like this would be easy to dismiss. After all, why should your daughter speak Spanish? She was raised in an English-speaking country with an English-speaking family, friends, and school. But racial and cultural assumptions do not come from logic and reason. The grouping together of people and cultures, based on outward appearance, is almost an ingrained, instinctive response — one that evokes both positive and negative stereotypes.
Of course, it’s not just youngsters who make such assumptions. Some older children have been pulled into ESL classes. And many adult adoptees report having been complimented on their excellent English, or otherwise treated like cultural ambassadors for their “people.”
Make It Right the Next Time
Help your daughter come up with responses that fit her personality. If she is outspoken and funny, she can try a pointed remark like, “No, I don’t speak Spanish. Aren’t you German? Do you speak German? (or Greek, Polish, whatever).” If she is shy, a short and simple reply may be best: “I speak English, like you.”
For parents, a teacher’s inaction can be frustrating. (Everyone should know better, especially a teacher!) A gentle reminder to the class could have defused the situation. As a nation of immigrants, we all have far-flung roots — what, if anything, have any of us retained? Exploring this commonality with the students would not only broaden the discussion on diversity, but would also take the spotlight off your daughter.
You might find out from your child’s teachers what cultures will be explored in future class lessons. To ensure that the topic is handled sensitively, offer to provide resources or speak to the students.
Look Inside your Circle
As our schools, neighborhoods, and workplaces become more diverse, it is essential that we understand, respect, and accept the influence that culture has on our everyday lives. Do not assume that everyone who knows you — friends, neighbors, coworkers, relatives — understands and accepts your child’s cultural background. You may be unpleasantly surprised to learn that even loved ones harbor deep-seated prejudices.
Share encounters like the one your daughter faced with your friends and family members — and watch their reactions. Do they see the problem? What solutions do they propose? Those who dismiss the incident may need a little education. Whatever the response might be, you will gain insight about your circle of friends and acquaintances. And by raising the topic, you and your child may get much-needed support and validation.
