In Why Race Matters for Teens, I addressed the complex factors that influence identity formation for teens in transracial adoptive families. I explained how parents can help their teens have a positive racial identity by creating opportunities for teens to develop real and meaningful connections to their racial heritage, including forming relationships with members of their race.

But even when parents encourage a child to make racial connections, issues can arise. Sometimes, meeting your child’s needs for connection can result in uncomfortable or upsetting situations. By exploring your child’s feelings—and your own—you can support your teen and keep your relationship strong.

Practicing What You Preach

Parents may feel uncomfortable with their children’s new friends, and question the source of their feelings. The Walkers wanted their 15-year-old biracial daughter, Joanne, to have friends of color. However, when she befriended Kendall, an African-American girl she met at school, they learned that Kendall’s home situation was very different from theirs. Kendall was being parented by her grandmother, who worked long hours. Her 18-year-old brother was left to supervise, and he often invited his friends over. It was clear that Kendall was ahead of Joanne developmentally and in her relationships with boys.

When Joanne asked to spend the night at Kendall’s house, the Walkers worried about her safety, and said no. Joanne became furious, accusing her parents of being racist. Saddened and hurt, they concluded that, regardless of race, they would not permit their daughter to stay overnight in an unsupervised home. They told Joanne that Kendall was welcome to sleep over at their house instead.

Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone

In parenting our children of color, we must explore our own beliefs about race, ethnicity, and prejudice. Caucasian parents with transracially adopted children must try to determine whether their parenting decisions are influenced by fears or unacknowledged prejudice.

Ari, adopted from Vietnam, was being raised in a white, Jewish family. At age 13, he demanded to have his name changed to one that was Vietnamese. His parents refused to give their approval. Ari said that he was tired of explaining his adoptive status, and he wanted to fit in with his Asian classmates. He insisted that he was not rejecting his family’s religious heritage. In the end, Ari did not change his name. He and his parents sought short-term support from an adoption specialist. His parents recognized that they must be more inclusive with Ari’s Asian friends, inviting them into their home and supporting his friendships.

Another mom, Anna, struggled to accept her children’s relationships. Anna says, “It was an evolutionary process for me. Seeing my children date others of their race—in their case, Latinos and African-Americans—was hard. I was afraid I’d lose them to a world where I would not be welcomed, and that we would no longer be close.” Anna supported her children’s friendships in spite of her fears, welcoming her children’s partners into her life. Now that her children are in their twenties, she is grateful she did. “My acceptance toward their friends and romantic partners helped to cement my place in their lives,” she says.